Summer. The season of shorts, tanks, and bathing suits... sigh... Every summer I worry, I worry about how I look in shorts, tanks, and especially the dreaded bathing suit. Can you see my underarm rolls? Why are my thighs so lumpy? Is my muffin top showing? Is everyone looking? Are they judging?
|Elizabeth, Mike, and I. Probably the last time I was photographed in a bathing suit.|
Why then, do I dread summer?
Quite frankly, it is because I am Fat. With a capital F. Always have been, always will be. I've spent my life covering up. I've spent too much time being modest and hiding my pale skin away under strategically selected clothes. Since I can remember I've been a “big girl”. I've been the funny, chubby friend. I spent my life building my character and personality, not my physique. I've spent my life hating the way I look. I walk into a room and assume that everyone is judging me on my size. I assume that people see my size before they see anything else.
I have a confession. I'm fucking done. I'm fucking tired of hiding and hating my body. Guess what, I'm fat. I'm fat whether I'm wearing shorts or long pants, if I'm wearing a tank or a sweater. And I don't care anymore.
|The five siblings! We are all a little chubby! And I love it!|
I vow that this summer is going to be different. I will not spend hours looking in the mirror. I will not suffer through the heat, wearing long sleeves. I will not step on the scale and decide my worth based on the number staring back at me. I will wear shorts. I will wear tanks. And I might even find an excuse to wear a bathing suit. I'm done being hard on myself. I am done of sighing at my reflection. I am done crying in change rooms. I am done thinking that "fat" is a dirty word.
|My new summer dress!|
This summer I will be proud of my body. I will eat ice cream. I will swim. I will remember that I'm not judging others and I really don't care if they are judging me. I will remember that being fat isn't a bad thing. I will remember that I am cute and I am worth more than my appearance!